I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
