my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I am one with the molecules
Randomize
