All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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