The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
