i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
