the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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