He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I wish you could order shots online.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
