I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
