Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
