my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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