Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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