the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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