I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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