went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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