Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
