I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
