News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Damn victory sex feels great
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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