just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
