...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
