sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
