I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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