I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
