Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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