yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
