I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
