apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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