just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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