I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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