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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
