my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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