pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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