i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
