Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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