Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
