Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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