I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Randomize
