Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
