I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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