"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
