What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
