Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
