He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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