So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
