i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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