That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
