my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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