The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
