It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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