you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
