I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
