I'm lost and stupid without you.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
