The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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